A closeted gay tries screaming with his mouth gagged. Can you hear him?

Banner photo by Eric Sizmore from his recreation of his coming out years.



About me
Thursday, October 20, 2005

Name-----------------> CIA/KGB classified

Overt occupation---> Engineer

Covert occupation--> Agent

Location-------------> India

Code name-----------> imphaldiary

Mission code--------> Two-banana-tango

Mission-------------> Supplying information on secret banana eating activities of guys in India

Present status------> Gay living as a straight guy

Actual status--------> Should be behind bars coz being gay is punishable by law in India

Future status-------> Unknown

Contact this agent-> imphaldiary@gmail.com

Agent's note--------> This agent will share his passion, his yearnings, his anguish and his life as a covert and overt person. Stick around to find out whether he escapes or get caught as a traitor.

On a serious note, I am glad that I stumbled into the world of blogging. It gives me the perfect platform to disclose the secrets that I have been carrying around. It also keep me in contact with people I was looking for, somebody who will listen and understand me. In a way I need you and your comments to assure myself that somebody, somewhere know who really am I. So, your comments and feedbacks are very important to me. To make sense of what I am saying, start reading my confessions right away.

17 Comments:

At January 16, 2006, Anonymous Fernando said...

Dear hymphaldiary,

It has been vary moving to read your confessions because they very much reflect my own story. I remember being secretly in love with straight friends and faking my act in order to be their friend and share their intimacy, I specifically remember one who was awesomely attractive, one time after seeing him changing clothes I had to excuse myself, lock myself in the toilet, and masturbate, but in my case, not even then would i acknowledge my being gay, not even to myself. I think at least you were lucid enough to know about it since early.

Now, looking back, I thin it is all related to the kind of societies we grew up in. I grew up in Venezuela, as you in India. In my perception of my past as I remember it, acknowledging to be gay would have been like dying. Maybe I was wrong--after all, there certainly were other gay guys in Venezuela, but that was the way i felt it.

Our minds play strange tricks sometimes. Was I wrong, and just playing a role that would allow me to be close to my beloved friend, and heading towards unhappyness for the rest of my life? Was I right, because certainly in such a society and in a family like mine, being openly gay would have made life extremely difficult? To this day I don't have a definite answer, and doubt whether one exists.

On a larger perspective, I think it all has to do with karma. Like many in India, i do believe in karma, and now think that if I have been suffering this in this life, it must be because I caused similar unhappiness to other people in my previous lives. That's why i srongly oppose now all these organized religions that fiddle into people's private lives even to the point of threatening life itself, they are creating enormous karma for themselves and enormous unhappiness and suffering in the world.

Please keep on writing your confessions, I look forward to seeing the next one soon. I can't wait to see how you came to terms with your gayness.

 
At April 16, 2006, Blogger imphaldiary said...

Fernando,
I am sorry I was away for a while and didn't get the chance to read your comment till now. Many apolozies for that. I am hoping you will come back and read this reply and all my other new posts.
I fully agree with you that it is the society that we live in that make us unable to be what we are-gay. It's so easy for a guy to say I am gay In a country like US and so difficult in a country line Venezuela or India. Gays in the US and other countries where being gay is normal, might even find it difficult to understand our dillema.
And what a complicated dillema it is. To be or not to be openly gay. To place the happiness of our loved ones in front or to make ourselves happy, a happiness we can only get keeping prestige and pride of our loved ones at stake. A happiness we can get keeping our place in society at stake. As you rightly pointed out, to be gay is like dying alive in our society.
Are we right in keeping our gay self secret? How far can we go living a life of lies? These are the questions we kept asking and never seem to be near an answer.
Please, dont't blame yourself or your karma for beng a gay. It has nothing to do with it.
Let's hope that everything will turn out fine for both of us and indeed, for all those souls like us. Just remember, you are not alone.

 
At April 20, 2006, Blogger pepe M. said...

hey imphal(i assume thats yur name)...am so glad i came across your blog...its a pleasure to read!!! been googling all indian gay bloggers but yur site hits me to the core...i just love it..

u take care...here's my blog too:pepupwithpepe.blogspot.com

 
At April 27, 2006, Anonymous Brian said...

The whole world is aware of the difficulties you and many others face.It is hard to imagine having to live in the shadows.All humans deserve to live honestly and honorably.Together perhaps we all may help that day arrive. Stay strong and best wishes.

 
At June 04, 2006, Blogger anne altman said...

fascinating, sad, and true. one days, one day. nice blog.

 
At June 14, 2006, Anonymous DA said...

WOW
a wonder it is finding your life/story here in cyber space!!
IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MUCH AND HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU'RE HELPING ALREADY... all the best to you

DA

 
At June 14, 2006, Blogger imphaldiary said...

da,
I am so glad to hear that. But I think people who found solace in my blog are helping me as much as I help them. Some comments really touch my heart and comments like yours encourage me. So, I take this opportunity to thank all of you for being so kind and understanding to me. I can't express how much it means to me. Thanks.

 
At July 27, 2006, Anonymous Volker said...

Hi Imphaldairy,

I am writing from sunny Surrey south of Vancouver, British Columbia, on Canada's west coast. There are a number of blogs I read daily while others are read occasionally. Yours is read on occasion but perhaps I should read it more often. Your link was found through another blog, though I cannot remember the name of the blog where I found the link. It is always interesting to see what bloggers read because it says something about them, even in a smalll way. I see that you have listed "Completely Naked" and "The Great Cock Hunt", amongst others, under "Naked Erectiles." Have you been following the life of Jared and Nathan on "Completely Naked?" Jared and I often exchange emails and you will find my comments on the blog as well. They are such a happy couple now.

I wish everyone could be happy and be accepted for what they are regardless whether they are gay, straight, or what ever. In the west we are making strides in this direction but it is very uneven and very difficult for many. In Canada, it is easier to be accepted as gay in large urban areas like Toronto, Montreal or Vancouver, but in smaller area or in rural areas the scene is much different. People show their bias there and are even hateful to others that are different. I imagine if people are more secure about who they are and where they are going, and comfortable with their own sexuality, then they are more accepting of others. In areas where people have not been allowed to question and come to terms with themselves, this is very difficult. Society shows the norms which a person is to follow. The schools reinforce this norm and so do the institutions. Changes come about in the constitution but laws often do not keep pace with those changes. Then society is lagging behind even further. It takes a while for the general public to accept the changes and for the momentum to continue forward. Our changes in government don't help matters sometimes. The current Conservative government (feferal) is attempting to reverse a number of initiatives brought forward by previous Liberal governments. They re-oipened the issue of gay marriages as an example when most people thought this had been settled and were ready to move on. There are quite a number of other issues that need addressing and the gay marriage issue wasn't one of them. It was a needless waste of taxpayers money.

The US may be the same in some ways and quite different in other ways. Since I don't live there, I can't say for sure how they stand or how they are different. I only learn through the various blogs on the net what the situation might be for certain individuals. Its far better than what might be learned through the press (i.e. print, TV and radio). They all have their slant on the news, their bias. And they most often sensationalize the news to sell papers, etc to pay the advertisers and the owners. Its money, money, money. That part shouldn't be different anywhere in the world where there is business. I don't need to tell you that. The pursuit of material things have taken the forefront and being Spiritual and treating others, various creatures in nature and the planet itself with respect seems to have taken the backburner.

You had a post about the "Belly" and the "Dude" which I found interesting. Perhaps you should write more of that to reveal more about Indian society and the social implications. I have always been interested in other cultures, some more than others, but interested nonetheless. I once corresponded by mail with someone in India back in the 1980s before computers and the internet were popular and common. He was attending the University of Delhi at the time and later moved south when he was transfered by his employer, the Department of Revenue, I believe. His letters, and the only photo of him, are in storage right now while I look for a permanent place to live. I recently (February) relocated here from southern Ontario. He never spoke of his family and did talk about the interesting sites one could visit and things about the Indian culture but never his family. Looking back at it now, I am left wondering whether he was gay and had divorced himself from his family as if they didn't exist? What would your take be on this? I am interested in your views, your understanding of the culture since you live in it.

Meantime, I do have a blog on MySpace.com. You can view the entries by going to http://blog.myspace.com/82965035 and my profile can be viewed at http://www.myspace.com/82965035 where you can find more information about me. Have a look and l'd be interested in your thoughts. I am planning another blog for sometime in the near future to discuss art, music, nature, philosophy, etc and also allow me to show some of my many photos from my travels across Canada and elsewhere. I have taken over 700 photos on my digital camera since I got it back in October 2005 plus I have many more photos in storage taken on an SLR camera and other types of photographic equipment. Anyway, back to the new blog. I am working on a name which will likely have the Latin name for the genus to which the Bald Eagle belongs to, Haliaeetus (Haliaetos in Greek), or some variation thereof. I'll let you know when its up and running. Yet another is planned later to explore the male figure in art and photography but this one is a priority right now.

I would be honoured to exchange emails with you when time permits and look forward to hearing from you soon. Meantime, I will continue to read your blog and leave comments when appropriate. Take care!

LoL

 
At July 28, 2006, Blogger imphaldiary said...

Volker,
First of all thank you for the interest shown in my blog and what I write. Needless to say your comment has made my entire blogging experience worthwhile. Of course I would love to have email contact with you, but unfortunately you haven't provided your email ad. I visited your space but somehow I couldn't sign up(error massage kept popping up) and couldn't sent a massage or leave a commant in your blog.

I was a bit surprise to learn the state of gay rights in Canada. I thought Canada was one of the few countries where gay marriage is legally allowed all over the country without much ado. But I guess it's the same everywhere when it comes to not leaving gays alone. Everybody know gays exist and still nobody is willing to accept its existance by giving us proper rights.

In India it is worse, despite the fact that gays existed from ancient times (as records in mythology and scriptures have shown), being open gay is to die alive as one of the above commentors have pointed out. We have no choice but to be in the closet. Considering the size of India's population, I think India should be home to largest number of gays in the world. You'll find, as you read my past confessions and confessions to come, I have had many gay experiences with people who were just like me, closet gays. This only goes to show that there are so many gays among the day-to-day people we come in contact with in India. Yet, overt gay life is non-existant in this country. I am sure your friend from India must be one of those many invisible gays. I am also sure he must be married to a woman by now and seemingly leading a happy life. That's the way I will also end up.

The family bond that exist in Indian families is also a great hurdle in coming out of the closet. Often it is the shame that will bring to the family that kept us from coming out of the closet. It is simply not possible to think of yourself as gay and also think of your family at the same time. It somehow makes you guilty. Hence your friend not talking about his family. He found his gay world by exchanging letters with you (and I am sure with many others), and I found my gay solace in my blog. While blogging I have to completely erase my mind of all family ties, coz thats the only way I don't feel guilty about what I have done as a secret gay. Even then, I am often overwhelmed by guilt while writing about my gay sexual exploits. That's the extent of sense of rejection we felt about being gay here. Well, I can go on and on about this, which'll not be an appropriate thing to do. So, I'll write to you later.

Speaking about you blog, art philosophy, nature and music sounds yummy! I'll be eagerly waiting for it to come up. and I'll also visit your myspace blog and try to sign up again.

 
At July 29, 2006, Anonymous Volker said...

Hi Imphaldairy,

The MySpace server in California has been having problems due to electrical power supply issues brought on by the high heat. A friend in San Francisco has told me that they are going through triple digit temperatures (Fahrenheit scale) and a friend in Los Vegas had a thermometer in his car that read 139 degrees F. So the demand on the grid's power has been so great that there have been rotating blackouts. The weather has been very unusual in many places around the world,such as in North America and Europe. So, this situation will affect the servers.

Also, if someone is not a member of MySpace, then it would not be possible to leave a comments. When I set up the new blog, anyone will be able to leave a comments, so that will not be an issue there. I will advise you as soon as the new blog is up and running.

I tried sending an email to the email address supplied on your blog but it was returned by the mailserver due to a permanent error. You can contact me via bergmann53@hotmail.com in the meantime. I will have more news later.

There are a number of errands that must be attended to, so I must close for now. I will continue to read you blog, so keep posting.

LoL
from VancouverBC

 
At September 17, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello.
Having reached the grand old age of 52 I often reflect on my life.
Mainly through being shy, I always hid the fact that I was Gay to my family and friends for many years.
I finally realised what a major part of my life I had wasted.
I had been living a lie to others but mainly myself. I envied my gay friends who were Out & open about themselves.

A few years ago I left a company I had worked for for over 5 years and mentioned to a female friend, who I had confided in, that it had been very difficult pretending to be straight. Her reply shocked me. She asked me if I seriously thought that I had convinced anyone!?
She assured me that everyone presumed I was gay as I was not married, did not mention girlfriends and dressed too smartly!
Although it's too late for me, I sincerely wish that I had been more honest and confided in those that I love. it is so wrong that they don't know the real me!
Being gay is now more accepted, in most parts of the world, and I strongly urge anyone to consider being truthful to those around you where possible.
Tony

 
At November 09, 2006, Blogger Gaylikeyou said...

Hey Imphaldiary
Keep doing a big work. I like your blog and feeling in there about gay life.
Your friend
Antonio

 
At January 31, 2007, Blogger milan said...

Nice to hear an authentic Indian perspective.

 
At July 17, 2007, Blogger Lots to Tell said...

Was looking for blogs of similar-minded people, or more accurately, people with similar issues. Thanks to you, and everyone who's left comments here!

 
At August 01, 2007, Blogger Pisanu for BISEAN said...

नमस्कार, this is Pisanu form Bangkok. Your blog is very insightful. I really would like to have a link from you, my friend.

I'm a new blogger but already have a considerable following. I don't have any link from India yet and I was just wondering if you would be so kind? :-)

http://bisean.blogspot.com

 
At October 27, 2007, Blogger joshua said...

Dear Imphaldiary...

Before anyffin else... I just wanna fank you... for extending somefing which i never would've been able to do in a manner so beaudiful and mesmerising!!

If mah memory ain't failing me... and if the impact of weedlings, having eaten more than half of mah brain, isn't still detrimental to an extent so as to make me hallucinate, I haf always wanted to write somefing like this. Of course, my linguiztic skills wouldn't haf done them justice even close to the manner in which you displayed those emotions which i could so very well relate to.

Anyways, I promise I'll be back somethime soon... may be after I get over with mah examinations early next month and definitely try and open up more, like the way you have successfully done. But I wanted to inform you about a hideous act of a bastard. Actually, I came across your blog because some bugger on orkut has propogated your blog as a figment of his creation! Here is the link to the profile.

http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=15116061915829212902

Kindly tackle him in a manner you find just! As faa as I am concerned, I awweddy hate him for such a blasphemous act!!

Luv,
Josh!!
E-mail :reach2josh@gmail.com
Orkut Profile: http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=2354834673636530002

 
At January 25, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

heya,
yeah i wanted to post a comment here, to let u know that i really apreciate the things that u do here. so yeah, here is another confirmation that people listen and understand u :)
yeah and i also wanna say that what u write down also helps on sertain subjects for younger gays ( like me). whell at least it feels like that.
u got a wonderful blog here
keep posting the good work :)
u make totally sense with what u say and i luv to wander around here.

so i guess that's what i wanted to tell ya :)
so,
i wish u all ur dreams and all the things and persons u long for.
stay cool like u are
greetz

(btw u might not want to approve this comment cause of the link to the picture, it's nothing bad i think, maybe u like it but yeah :p i understand :D )
so yeah
keepu p the good work!
kudos!

http://s39.photobucket.com/albums/e200/mardoquedo/?action=view¤t=beautiful_dylan_rosser7_2.jpg

 

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