A closeted gay tries screaming with his mouth gagged. Can you hear him?

Banner photo by Eric Sizmore from his recreation of his coming out years.



One Month Hibernation .... well, almost
Monday, February 18, 2008


The last time I wrote a post was on 19th of last month. In other words I was in hibernation for almost a month. Yes, I am very much aware of it because that's how I planned it (your curiosities make me come out of it one day earlier).

Haven't you ever wondered about animals like bears? They hibernate every year for ... God knows how many months... shutting themselves from the world as if to retrospect the hard times and savor the joyful moments they had had during their waking months.... in a dark place, eyes close, two fists tightly cuddled on their chest, the wintry hauling of the wind outside like a faint ancient folksong to their ears, almost like in their mother's womb; so secure and yet, so vulnerable. And when they come out from their slumber, when the glittering sunlight fell on their eyes once again, they glow like diamonds all over again. Their body shiver in the freshness of the naughty breeze that make waves on their furs, the greens of the forest welcome them with never ending smiles. They smell the air for food that lurks in abundance and ran towards it to break their months of fast, and magically they blend in the forest they call home almost instantly. They never left the forest, they didn't die and reincarnate like a good Hindu, and yet they feel reborn again, in a new place, as a new being.....

I am no bear and its practically not possible for me to lay cuddled doing nothing, eating nothing for months. But I tried doing a distorted imitation, I tried to keep away from the blog for a while which means keeping my closeted self in the closet as was the case before I started blogging. No, it wasn't a pre-planned one at first but just a spontaneous reaction to save my aching heart from going deeper and deeper into pain. I felt the pain in my heart when I was writing about me (as a closeted gay) and my mother for the first time in the form of a piece for the San Diego Readers. Writing the piece gave me ideas, the ideas became possibilities, and the possibilities were so stark that it became haunting me! What if I come out? What if my mom finds out I am gay and she will never ever have a grandchild? What if my love affairs became public? what if.........

All these thoughts became so painful and draining that I thought it was best that I take a break. But funnily the thought of giving up blogging all together never occurred to me. Even as I was in hibernation, I was still blogging in my other blog, which keep my mind away from serious stuffs. I was so glad that I had this fun blog to engrossed myself during hard times. Whoever said fun blogs are useless can eat their words like I am eating now.

5 Comments:

At February 21, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shall we see you blogging here again, or do you plan to close this? Though we know each other only through this blog, it seems like I know you more than I know some people around me. It will be sad if you really stop blogging here.

Feel like touching you and giving your warm body a tight hug.

albd

 
At February 21, 2008, Blogger Manav Desh (formerly Imphaldiary) said...

albd,

Thanks for saying that, and I must say the feeling is same here. Yes, I decided to take a month's break but I didn't say I plan to quit, not just yet. So, there is not getting away for you from my trashy blogging for unforeseeable future..... lol

 
At February 25, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey manav,
Good that you won't stop this blog. And yes, we do love this trash, that is much more refreshing than some of the clean stuff.

Well, just wondering, have you cheked out thegaypotter.blogspot.com?

Also, how do you find Muzammil Ibrahim? Isn't he awesome? Check out his pic on the above blog. OMG....the one in which he is in a thin wet white dress and a blue undie that reveals more than conceals... OMG.....

albd

 
At February 25, 2008, Anonymous Jen said...

Me thinks your mom will always love you. Do you even want kids? If so you can adopt...Love the blog and am glad you are back!

 
At March 06, 2008, Anonymous Gay Videos said...

Hello.

Is it possible you add my site at your blog´s links.


Blogname: Gay Videos
http://free-gayvideos.blogspot.com/

Thanks

 

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